Simon Cowell gets poetic farewell from Paula Abdul

Paula Abdul’s return to American Idol for the finale of the season–and Simon Cowell’s last show–was supposed to be a heartfelt send-off for the long-time judge. But things quickly turned odd as Abdul started her own brand of comedy.

Paula, Paula, Paula. Last night, during your goodbye speech to Simon Cowell, you showed the world why season 9 of American Idol has been so lacking. Why the series this season hasn’t boasted the same spark and awe of years past. Simply, it’s because your mere absence has sucked the joy out of the entire show.

And if you think I’m joking, you’d be wrong. I have been yearning for Paula’s infectious presence all season long — Idol is not Idol without a good dose of battiness. So what better way to celebrate her appearance on the show last night than to revive The Poetry of Paula Abdul one last time? After the jump, read Paula’s final Idol-centric poetic masterpiece, which she performed on last night’s finale. Really, it’s like reading Walt Whitman reincarnated!

Look Simon, my darling Simon…

Simon, I’ll get to you
in a minute.
Thank you everyone. Thank you so much.
It’s fantastic being here tonight.
I really miss everyone. Hello judges!
Randy.
You look charming tonight. It’s great seeing you.
Hi Ellen.
I love you.
Wanna dance?
Kara, you look beautiful tonight.
Where’s Ryan?
Ryan,
wherever you are? You’re so –
you’re so cute, and I want my lip gloss
back!
And Simon.
That’s all I’ve got.
Goodnight, everybody.
Okay. Who are we
kidding?
Let’s face it: The only reason they wanted me back here
tonight
was so I could tell all of you the
real reason
why I left.
But I don’t think that’s what
tonight
is all about, is it?
Although
I will tell you this:
There’s a baby backstage with Simon’s haircut, and
sweetheart,
it’s your turn to feed him.
Look
Simon,
my darling
Simon,
I’ve worked with a lot of people over the years.
Hot cheerleaders,
big movie stars,
world-famous recording artists.
Even a
cartoon cat.
But if I’m being truly honest,
none of them holds
a candle
to you,
my friend.
Our relationship on the show,
and I call it a partnership, really,
Simon,
I do call it a partnership,
even though I know you’d like think of it as more of a
teacher-student thing,
right?
No,
it’s a partnership.
But it’s brought me
immeasurable joy.
I’ve loved all
the fun
we’ve had together.
I’ve loved all
the laughter
we’ve shared together.
No,
American Idol is not going to be
the same
without you.
But as only I can tell you,
it will
go
on.